Don’t Move the Wall…
Children acquire a sense of security from having familiar, yet firm, limits set for their behavior. Despite the fact that they may push against you, your children need for you to remain steady in your position.
Picture a swimming pool. The lanes are set, ready for a competition. The swimmers are off—madly tearing down the lane heading for “the wall.” What happens when they reach the wall? They know where it is because they have experienced it before. They have been trained to reach for the wall. When in close proximity, they touch or sense the boundary, flip, placing their feet against the edge, push, and gain momentum for the next lap.
What if you, as the parent, observing your child over the edge of the pool, were suddenly afraid that they might hit the wall too hard? What if you could move the wall back? Perhaps you might fear that your child is not ready, not sufficiently well trained? What if you started moving the perimeter of the wall back, thus lengthening the pool? What would happen to the swimmers then? The really clever ones would immediately give up the effort, find the process boring, and leave the pool altogether. Many would become confused and bewildered, and wander away wondering what direction to pursue next. Others would tire and drown, never having felt the edge.
Let’s say that you were right. Your child does hit the wall too hard, and then proceeds to knock him or herself out, beginning to sink to the bottom? What would you do? What have you done in the past when this has happened? You would reach down, pick your child up out of the water, making sure that your child was okay, and then throw him or her back in.
When we move the wall, we cheat our children of one of life’s most valuable lessons, and deny them the use of a most powerful force in developing their personal direction.
