Boundaries and Control
How many times have we said, “I wish my kid had come with a manual.” It’s true!” Each child comes with his or her own agenda. I often hear, “just when I thought I had it figured out, along came his brother- and boy are they different!” I read once that the ancient Greeks (who by the way pioneered much of this work) theorized that a person’s temperament was set at the point of life ignition. They went so far as to suggest that the temperament actually formed one’s physique. For example: A short man, sometimes considered having a Napoleonic complex, grew short as a result of having the complex or temperament, rather than the other way around. Whether these early students of human behavior had it right or not, one thing is for sure: Kids seem to have their own distinctive blueprint and are very different, even in the same family.
While I am not Greek, I have observed and worked with young people for a long time. I noticed, first in my own children, and then in others, that they all have at least one common denominator—one attribute they are all born with: control. They possess a driving force, to be in control of everything around them. Incidentally, I know some adults (and I am betting that you do too) that have never gotten beyond this stage of development.
Control, as most of us experience it, is a very elusive target. What do we have control over? Think about it. Even when we appear to be on top of a situation –wham! Some unexpected factor enters in and where are we? How long does control last? How long does it need to last in order to qualify as control? What happens when one stops applying the forces of control? Do “things” stay in place? If this control is such an elusive goal, why then would we all start with this pre-programmed in us? What if getting control was not the point, but rather the pursuit of control? What if the getting there was the objective rather than being there? Think, if you will,about a dog chasing cars. Why do they do it? A dog has no plan if he catches a car. Have you ever seen one driving? Put a dog behind the wheel and he will jump out – or I will! So what’s in it for the dog? Well, nothing to do with the car. In fact, if a dog catches the car and bites the tire, for example, it will be very bad for him;it will hurt him. The benefit then is in the chase, not the catch. This is true for children as well.
Children are pre-wired to seek control. What happens if they “catch it”—in my experience, not good things, for the children or their families. Like a dog chasing cars, the value is in the chase. It is in the chase of control that children are exposed to choices, the need for self-value, and the development of forming relationships. Our resistance to them having control, our pushing back, allows them to develop the muscles necessary to take on life. We must resist their desire for control. They will push. GOOD! Let them push as hard as they can, and we the parents will resist. Set boundaries that allow natural consequences of their actions to teach them and develop the strengths they need for life. How many times have you heard the stories of the child that ran away from home because it was “too controlling” -- only to join a gang? What could be more controlling then that? Children need for you to be in charge --- need you to push against.
